i'm back from vaca
i was grounded from the computer
so sorry if i havnt listened to you
and

um...
...

i had fun during spirit week and homecoming and all that
even if i didnt have a date
the quest for someone willing to go out with me continueths...

..s..


errrm..

yeah?

i'm so cold
it was like eightysometingblah degrees in florida
and its like.

below freezing outside
damn snow

♥

i'm bored
i need to post on here more it's a lot more confidential myspace is a flipping mess oh well

not all of my friends are blog freaks like me...there are a lot of poems i've got to post up here i'm just so damn lazy hahah but i might as well do it now...

(i'm trying to distract myself from my goddamned hw. !! I HATE IT)

i need a hc date btw any takers?
TEHE

here are some poems (i need some comments about these ice night is coming up XD!!!:

SIREN


fall out side the window the crystals are so pretty one the ground
bound them up put them around my neck
i'm bleeding effulgent with radience
the lights going out slowly
but this night is so amazing
the moon is admiring me
it's smiling at me i know it
because i know the last thing i saw was your face
but i can't remember the exact place it was
when i was swung so gently out this window to the burning blacktop
i'm spinning more than i was when i left that party
i knew you could hardly feel it at least you said you didnt
i knew you wouldnt lie to me.
and this was a place for us
but something is crushing my heart it's failing
it suddenly hit me, it just rushed right in
i don't know what that is wailing in the distance
and i can't see your face anymore
and i think i suddenly remember this place
but i don't care because this pain is obliterating me
i can't see but i sure as hell can feel it
just as well i wish i didnt because this is hell
i don't know what's going on.
but i do
you lied to me and now you're gone
this blacktop is burning my face is peeling away
and something is very wrong
i think i might be dead
but this pain in my head is too real for that
to make matters worse i realize what you did
the pretty impact with crystals flying in the air
as my body decided to bid farwell to the car and say hello to the window
oh no.
you lied. i cried. you died.
why god, did you lie?


SADISTIC


lover of things in pain
thats what you are
bombs are falling from your fingertips
droping from your palms
they're landing in my eyeballs
radiations not good for the skin
i'm falling down
a blownout building
i'm nothing to you but you're so much to me
i wish i wasn't so damn willing
dropping from the sky
my heart's turned against me
a red shard of glass directed right at me
to stab me in the place
that you ripped apart
its a dead piece of cardboard
sitting on the sidewalk
you just happen to step on it
when you stalk me late at night
follwing me around corners
learning my deep dark secrets
then you turn myself against me
god i fucking hate you


DIRTY

toothpaste stained windows
dirty my existance because i'm only doing this for you
i could care less if it just weren't for you i wish you'd finally get it
because this is disgusting
this is something that i don't want under my belt or in between my legs
this is something that i dont' even want inside my head
it's scraping inside my brain against my rusting thoughts i can't believe it
i'm sinking, i'm sick of this titanic romance
my heart beating over capacity i know its gonna bust one day
because the months crawled like snails covered in salt
frying and dying and slowly trying to make it away
but it all came to a halt it failed its dead its over its gone
i did it all for you. i can't believe i still miss you sometimes
lying alone at night i hate you, i have to get over this
this is the ultimate coverup
and none of this makeup will ever wash off this stained window
my lipsticks melting agaisnt my reflection
mascara frying off my eyes
im so confused i dont like this feeling
i feel back from bleeding im just staring at the ceiling thoughts like dead bodies floating in my head bumping into my skull
i'm just waiting to relax waiting for my life to come to slow steady lull again because i seriously hate this.
i did it all for you you can't even get it i hate you.
i swear.

Current Location: here
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: there

i'm back
ish
and
schools in
and i want out again
and

basicaly its the same meaningless cycle of nonesense

so yeah get ready for a fun ride

i joined ICE and amnesty int'l of course and HHART and drama

busy busy busy

fuck IB man so much hw
oh well
its cool
goodbye

♥ be happy.

feel better?

yeah

ok?

ok

school in 17 days its all i care about

fuck the rest

<333

ok guys this is probably going to end up really long so just bare with me because something happened today and i'm in a bad mood already and i'm really really sick of these bad moods. i'm not one that likes to wallow in their depression or anything like that.

my grandma called me today and its not the grandma that i like. its the other one. my dad's mom. and i dont like her. and that's where the long part comes in...

one day last march (not this year last year) my father decided it would be a good idea to do a bunch of meth. a couple of days later he was coming down and that's when he decided to have a little heart to heart with my little brother. or rather a fist to face. he started to beat the shit out of my little brother (10 at the time mind you) about his GRADES. i was in the basement, they were in the top floor and i could still hear it...it was scaring the shit out of me being able to hear my little brother being thrown around the upstairs like a sack of potatoes. so i proceeded to call the cops, my mother, and get my sister away from them, because she was in the living room upstairs. now, my father had hit me before, but he did not on this day because i did not go near my little brothers room. i have never been so scared in my whole life.

so the cops arrived they didnt fucking arrest him they gave him a fucking ticket. for child abuse. what the fuck where they smoking? no clue. so... we never had to see him again. they decided that right away. a couple of weeks later was the court date and wonder father did not show up. we figured he had started meth again. it was an old problem and one of the main reasons why my parents got divorced in the first place. my dad would do meth while us three kids would sit around not knowing what to do. we fed each other and i had to change my little brothers diapers. my mom says this is the reason why i dont like cereal with milk, i always ate it dry when i was a kid because my dad forgot to feed us.

a year or so passed and my dad had no contact with us, still sent to child support (that had been going on for about 2 years or so) and another court date popped up this year in april. he actually showed up.

now during this year you have to realize this whole thing had a major impact on my family. my dad had always smacked us around but now we were free of him and crossing a lot of boundries we shouldnt have and driving my poor mother up the wall. i got my tongue piereced i got into drugs because being high was better than dealing and thinking about what was really going on. my sister pierced her eyebrow and attempted suicide and it kinda went down the drain. shes in therapy and on zoloft not, i stopped therapy i think i'm ok for now i guess...

i still have problems when relationships with older male figures though. i can't trust many adults if i dunno them.

my little brother has nightmares and sleeps under his bed because hes afraid my dad'll come back and beat the shit outta him. i had that problem for a while too. i kept having dreams that he committed suicide...

in court they decided my dad has to make up for all the therapy and medical expenses he caused (my little brother's ear drum popped one of the times my dad hit him...) and they gave him six months probation and parenting classes and such. he can't see us til hes off probation and then he has to go through a lot of paperwork for visitation. he can't ever see us alone again. i'm old enough to have decided that i never want to see him again.

well during the year we had no contact with the bastard we still talked to his side of the family. i love his two sisters, my aunts, and his parents. they all know the crap that we've gone through with this, and he hasnt talked to any of his family for two years. he refused to take us to their house for the holidays....

his parents were in court with him. sitting on his side. defending everything that he did.

my aunt (his little sister) had told my mom not to mention the court thing to their parents because they were having a hard time dealing with all that was going on.

we had dinner the day before he had court, it was easter sunday. we were all fine. no body mentioned anything. my grandparents didnt say a word to my mother.

and they showed up in court, defending him.

you have a right to defend your son if hes done something terrible, but i dont think you have that right when it comes to tearing the fucking family apart like that did.

she called me today and said she wanted to hang out. thank god its august and i'm busy and so's my brother and sister so we only have a day or two to be with them.

i feel betrayed by them. i can't stand them. my grandmother is crazy, shes a jesus freak beyond all. she took us out one saturday and called it a saturday with jesus and made us sit in the adoration room for two hours and then she made us do the stations of the cross.

i'm.
not.
catholic.

sorry if you....i'm not trying to be mean. but she said god spoke to her the night before and told her to take us out to lunch. and to the adoration room, and the stations of the cross and the little plaque in the garden addressed to all the aborted babies in the world who never got a chance.

i've never been so furious in my life.

i felt so offended for some reason. this wasn't my religion. i felt so out of place. i dont feel like i can pray in churches that aren't greek orthodox christian...

so jesus told her all these things to say and she was dead serious.

during our conversation today she said shes been praying for us everyday, especially us because we haven't talked to her in so long. she asked three times where my little brother was. she can't remember anything...

i'm sick of her. shes falling apart and i dont feel like dealing with another family death. that's terrible to say but its true. ... i dunno.

i know she means well i know she does. i just feel so betrayed. you can't play nice with everyone all the time. that's just evil and deciet and lying. i'm really upset right now guys this was long i know sorry if you bothered to read it all i'm really a terrible person for saying half the stuff in here...

i just can't believe she called and she wants us to all be together like she didnt do anything to us.

she ripped apart my soul on that day.

i dont want to talk to her or my grandfather ever again. i almost didnt answer the phone today.

i'm mad that i did actually...

oh well i guess.

i dont want to go with them. i really don't.

fuck.

<////3

Lance Bass of 'N Sync Reveals He's Gay
Jul 26, 10:37 AM EST


The Associated Press

Lance Bass, band member of 'N Sync, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship with a reality show star. Bass, who formed 'N Sync with Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, tells People magazine that he didn't earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn't want to affect the group's popularity.

"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," he tells the magazine.

'N Sync is known for a string of hits including "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me." The band went on hiatus in 2002. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and failing to raise money for a trip into space.

Bass says he wondered if his coming out could prompt "the end of 'N Sync." He explains, "So I had that weight on me of like, `Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did."

The singer says he's in a "very stable" relationship with 32-year-old actor Reichen Lehmkuhl, winner of season four of CBS' "Amazing Race."

Bass and Fatone, 29, are developing a sitcom pilot inspired by the screwball comedy "The Odd Couple," in which his character will be gay.

"The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I went to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy."

i met the band that sings the song Buy American Machines

which is where i got my name from

and i took a picture with the lead singer

i'm still not gonna say who sings the song though

figure it out fuckfaces

ahahahaaaaaaaa

♥

i met a bunch of bands and i had a really really good time!! the highlight of my summer is over but that's alright...

i haven't found a boyfriend but a guy there said i was hot and waved at me from his car and blew me a kiss. too bad it was the end of the day or i might have jumped in with him.

i saw sam and jeremy and amber and ppl i haven't seen in ages so that was cool. i met eight bands and saw sixteen shows. it was awesome. i had a good time and i've got many bruises i'll put some pictures up laterz....

i met patent pending they were the sweetest band!!!

much love
♥

Current Location: computer
Current Music: patent pending (awesome band!)

grr. i've been up for so long. almost a day now.

god damn it

windy!!!

i hate the wind!

...
fuck

♥

i give up.

it's almost eight o'clock.

i don't know.

i want a cigarette for like the first time in a month.

i'm tired, i'm bored i feel stupid.

...

meh what was the point?

♥

Current Location: asdfasdfas
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: asdfasdfasdfa